My EUPD Journey

After a 20-year journey, I finally reached recovery four years ago thanks to lots of personal work and the support of psychological therapy along the way. I was diagnosed with depression, and later, traits of emotionally unstable personality disorder too (EUPD, also known at Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD). Building a compassionate self, as well as understanding how a lot of trauma and tragedy has affected me, helped me get to recovery.

"My passion is to share my own lived experience of mental health to bring hope, positivity, understanding and awareness."

I remember my last batch of intensive therapy ending and this sense of transformation shining through. I became more independent, confident, and started to build a healthy relationship with myself. I became my own best friend/parent due to now being the person I always was meant to be. I realised my passion and purpose in life and made steps to make this a reality.

My passion is to share my own lived experience of mental health to bring hope, positivity, understanding and awareness.

In the last four years, I have co-led courses at the Greater Manchester Mental Health Trusts Recovery Academy as a volunteer. I am now also a qualified public speaker; I use my voice to talk about my passion. I am also currently studying to be a Mindfulness Teacher. Mindfulness has really helped me in recovery. When difficult thoughts or emotions come to me, instead of reacting like I used to with my old coping mechanisms, I sit with how I am feeling, take time to understand what’s really going on, and accept how I am feeling and let my emotion out in a healthy way. This can be really challenging when I have difficult episodes that happen now and again when I get triggered. This is because my mind automatically wants to do what it used to and be self-destructive. The challenge for me is riding the waves of stormy emotions, which takes a lot of strength and energy. But compassion and mindfulness has truly helped in terms of being with, not resisting and supporting myself through these tricky waters.

"My mind automatically wants to do what it used to and be self-destructive."

Being able to do this has also helped me see reoccurring patterns of why I feel triggered sometimes. It’s this sense of guilt that washes over me for being happy with what I am doing now. I can go through long periods where I feel settled and happy with the path I am on but then all of a sudden, I feel this strong pull, be it from society, my environment, or my previous deep rooted beliefs.

When this guilt washes over me it tries to tell me ‘I shouldn’t be doing this right now’, ‘I should be doing this right now’ or ‘you should be this person’ due it being more ‘acceptable’. The way I deal with it now is by not reacting to self-critical thoughts, but instead thinking; I am able to start to see what’s happening and why I am feeling this way.

It helps me to reframe, and reaffirm to myself that all I am and what I am doing in life is ok and that I deserve this... I have worked hard to get here.

"The way I deal with it now is by not reacting to self-critical thoughts."

Although I now have the skills to help me get through these difficult emotions, it’s still intense and mentally draining when I feel this way and it takes a lot of work to get through it.

Recovery for me is a never ending journey of growing pains, getting to know myself over and over again. It’s important at each stage to reaffirm that it’s ok to be happy and doing what I am now. The need to reaffirm comes with my old mind-set and external beliefs, but it’s this forever evolving, allowing me to break free of this shell and keep living the life I deserve.

It takes a lot of strength and courage being in recovery. I hope by sharing this, it brings some awareness of this process as well as connection for others who have gone or are going through this.

"Recovery for me is a never ending journey of growing pains."

The transformation of “becoming” can be painful but coming home to ourselves is worth it, it’s what we deserve.

Peace and love.